Bad Luck Black Money Read online

  "No," answered Boss.

  "Yah, know," Nick said as he put one of his hands upon his beer belly. "It'd be a lot easier for me to find what you're looking for, if you'd just tell me what you're looking for."

  Boss folded his arms across his chest and leaned backwards in his chair. This was not a conversation he wanted to have.

  "Look, Boss," said Nick. "You don't have to be shy with me. I, one time, followed this couple into an orgy to get the lowdown on a porn operation. There's nothing you can tell me, I ain't heard before."

  "... Fine," said Boss exasperated. "I want to know what kind of babies I can expect to have with this woman."

  Nick pulled her photo from the bottom of a pile of files on his lap. His surprise at seeing her picture made him drop his paperwork, all over the floor. Embarrassed, Nick dropped to the floor in a panic and started scooping up papers as fast as his chubby hands would let him.

  "Look," said Boss testily. "All you have to do is get everybody's school records. You don't come back here until you know everybody's I.Q. score in that family tree. I even want to know if their dog does tricks or is as dumb as a piece of driftwood. Got it?"

  "I got it, Boss," said Nick as he held on to all the messy papers in his arms and made his way toward the door. "I won't let you down."

  After watching the detective stumble all over himself trying to get out of the office, Boss thought about what he was getting himself into. There was no way; he'd be able to perform sexually with that woman. The mere thought of her, physically sickened him. But, modern medicine had made great leaps and bounds in erectile dysfunction drugs. Anything might be possible, at least, in theory.

  Two days later, Nick was back with a pile of new folders, each one containing information on a different member of the Johnson family. Nick gently placed the stack of folders on Boss's desk and sat down.

  "I think you'll be pleased with what I found out," said Nick.

  "Really?" asked Boss who spread the folders out on his desk so that he could see each family member's photo, paper clipped on their folder's cover. "Then why don't you tell me about them?"

  "OK," Nick said, adjusting his cheap tie, which seemed like it wanted to choke him. "Her mother and father are tenured professors at ivy league colleges. They have a combined eleven doctorial degrees between them. And it's none of that honorary bullshit; they're legit.

  Her brother is a brain surgeon who does medical research on the side. He's the one the politicians use when they have a serious medical problem, so he's the best of the best.

  Esmerelda's sister is one of them, tenured professors like her mom and dad. She only has four doctorates, so far, but she's working on her fifth."

  Upon hearing the news, Boss put his elbow on the desk and leaned his head against his open palm. This wasn't the news; he was hoping to hear.

  Nick went on, "Her brother has two boys. They go to a special school for geniuses. The oldest one has science stuff published in scientific journals, and not kid stuff, but real grownup magazines. The younger one is some kind of language freak. He speaks like twenty something different languages. Imagine that, huh?

  ... Anyway, Esmerelda's sister has two girls and a boy. The oldest girl plays the violin, or fiddle as I call it, in concert halls all over the world. The boy has what's called an eidetic memory. He's freaky smart. People come from all over to study him. Ain't that somethin'?... The baby girl is a little too young to have done much of anything, but she still tests off the I.Q. charts."

  "What about the people Esmerelda's brother and sister are married to?" asked Boss. "Are they geniuses, also?"

  "No," answered Nick leaning over to look at the photos arranged neatly on Boss's desk. "That pretty woman, right there, she used to be a stripper."

  "A stripper?" asked Boss incredulously.

  "Yeah, I swear," Nick said. "I got some video of her from yesterday and then one from her past. She's got some big ol’, sweater puppies. But she ain't no genius. Matter of fact, her former boss and coworkers said she was dumber that a bag of rocks."

  "And the sister's husband?"

  "Well... he ain't no genius. He's an engineer, but nothing special. He's smart, but then again compared to these people; he's like ah... ah... a houseplant or somethin'."

  Boss sat there for a while, rubbing his chin in a thoughtful manner. "Thank you, Nick."

  "It's my pleasure, Boss," said Nick as he took the cue to get up and leave. "If you need anything else, you just say the word."

  After Nick closed the door, Boss sat impossibly still. Anger started building within him, and he burst out of his chair, overturning his desk. The electronic equipment on it and within it, broke open, throwing sparks and smoke into the air. He ran over to a tall filing cabinet and pushed it over. He picked up a chair and flung it against the large, picture window, which busted but didn't shatter into a million tiny pieces. Then Boss took a fire extinguisher off the wall and used it to batter holes in the drywall. The adrenaline from his fit of anger wore off, and then he slumped to the floor, exhausted.

  A few seconds later, a younger version of Sarge burst through the door and asked, "Is everything alright in here, Sir?"

  "... Yeah, I guess so," said Boss lying on the carpeted floor. "Looks like I got to make a date though."

  Chapter 14

  The next day, Boss met Esmerelda in the company cafeteria and asked her to go on a date with him, which she accepted. That night he flew her in his private jet to New York where they ate at an exclusive restaurant on the top floor of a skyscraper. It was a pleasant enough experience.

  Esmerelda could hold up her end of a conversation and intelligently talk about any topic. The plane ride home was also enjoyable with everything from politics to computer processors discussed. Boss found that by focusing on her mouth, he could put her hideous looks out of his mind. But then he started to take notice of her extremely thin lips and oversized teeth, and he was back to being disgusted.

  They took his limousine from the plane back to her place. Boss walked her to the front door of her house. Esmerelda said her "good night" and leaned over for a kiss. It took all of his willpower, but he forced himself to give her a gentle, closed mouthed kiss on the lips.

  Back in the limo, Boss knew that he had a big problem. Esmerelda was going to be his best shot at producing highly intelligent children with, but it was going to be physically impossible to perform sexually with her. He made up his mind to see the company doctor, first thing the next day.

  Owning the company, Boss didn't have to make an appointment to see the doctor. He told his secretary to call the doctor's receptionist and tell her to clear the doc's schedule for the morning.... He would be there shortly.

  On his trip to the elevator, then down to the third floor, and then fifty yards further down a hallway to the doctor's office, Boss had time to reflect. He was happy that he had hired an old hippie doctor instead of the sweet, young, lady physician, who had been his first choice. If there was an opportunity to have a hot chick touching you with latex gloves, even if only for medical purposes, then the employees would come to work perpetually sick in order to see the hot doctor. And no work would get done.

  Boss walked past the doctor's receptionist without acknowledging her existence and into the examination room where Doctor Elway was waiting.

  "What can I do for you, Boss?" asked the doctor.

  Closing the door behind him, Boss walked over to the examination table and sat down, crinkling up some of the white sanitary paper rolled out upon it. "Doc, I got a problem with my love life."

  "What happened? You catch something from one of those Hollywood skanks?"

  "Ha," laughed Boss. "Not this time, this time has to do with getting it up and keeping it up."

  Doctor Elway opened up a thick file with Boss's medical history in it and flipped through the pages. "Really, you shouldn't be having those kind of problems at your age. Your last physical showed everything within acceptable ranges."

  Elway lo
oked up from the paperwork and towards the ceiling, in deep thought. "How do I put this, so you don't fire me?... When a man is in your position with tons of responsibility, all of that mental stress can have an effect on his erection. Maybe, you would like talk to the company psychiatrist about this?"

  "No, doc," said Boss. "You're reading this all wrong.

  If you were to put a naked, big busted, blonde knockout in front of me right now, I could hit that thang till the sun went down. There's nothing physically wrong with me. The one eyed weasel is ready for duty.

  The problem is that I want to send the little man into a mosquito infested swamp, and he's refusing to go there."

  "I still don't understand," said the doctor.

  "... Esmerelda. Do you know Esmerelda in R&D?"

  "Esmerelda?... Name sounds familiar but can't put a face to it."

  "Yeah," said Boss, "IT is about right. Esmerelda's the girl with orange hair, bone thin, and looks like she's been beaten with an ugly stick."

  "Oh, good heavens!" Doctor Elway exclaimed. "Why on Earth would you want to do it with her?"

  "That's the problem in a nutshell. I don't want to do it with her. No sane man would want to do it with her. But her I.Q. is off the charts, and I want to have some genius kids.

  I've already done the bombshell bimbo with no brains, and our kid turned out exactly like her. This time I want to improve my odds by nailing a genius chick."

  "Ugh," said the doctor. "Isn't there some kind of compromise? Like, you get a medium hot gal, who's lawyer smart, then you can do her without the help of drugs."

  "Nope," Boss said, getting agitated. "I'm going to do the warthog, and you're going to give me a prescription that enables me to do it."

  "See, here's the problem with that," said Doctor Elway. "Erectile dysfunction drugs will get you hard with the slightest bit of sexual arousal, but you do have to be a little bit turned on. With Esmerelda, I don't see how you'll ever get a boner, no matter how much I dope you up with prescription medication."

  "Then give me something that isn't prescription."

  "You're talking illegal drugs? I can't do that."

  "Listen, pal," Boss said angrily. "You want to keep this sweet gig where you do practically no work and never get drug tested, old hippie? Then you'd better get me what I need. And it better not cause any brain damage.... So, can you hook me up or not?"

  "Alright, calm down, Boss. I hear what you're saying. Just let me think for a minute."

  The old hippie doctor stretched out in a chair, putting his hands behind his head, relaxing and thinking. After a couple of minutes, when Boss wondered if the dude had spaced out or not, Doctor Elway snapped his fingers and said, "I got it!

  I used to toke up with a chemist from Berkeley. He made and sold ecstasy on the side. He'd trade some homemade ecstasy for some killer chronic. I could look him up, and then you could get him to concoct something for you."

  "No, no, no, what's wrong with you?" asked Boss. "I not some lackey, who runs your errands. You get off your ass, go get him, and bring him back here."

  "Right, I knew that," said the Doctor dejectedly.

  "... OK, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk down to you. I'm not mad at you; I'm mad at myself for what I'm about to do.

  If you can locate your friend and get him to come here, I'll put him on retainer. Then we'll all get together and figure out the best ingredients for this dope cocktail.

  I'll assist in manufacturing a batch at one of the industrial laboratories here at Pluto Technologies. I'm not a chemist, but I'll read up on it."

  "We're going to have a problem figuring out the proper dosage for you," Doctor Elway said, as he stood up and paced around the examination room. "You're going to need a little bit of the blue pill or maybe some sort of gel mixed with the right amount of 'e'. Too much ecstasy and you're humping the couch; too little and the girl thinks you can't get it up for her. This is going to take some trial and error."

  "I've got faith in you, doc. You get the ball rolling, and I'll check back with you later," said Boss as he shook Doctor Elway's hand and headed out the door.

  Boss appropriated a corner laboratory, which contained the necessary equipment to make the drug. The doctor, the chemist, and the corporate mogul began their experimentation. It took some doing, but the trio came up with a pill that should have worked.

  By the time the drug was ready for its trial run, Boss had already been out on several dates with Esmerelda. She was giving off strong signals that she wanted sex, and Boss had no choice but to give the experimental drug a field test.

  After taking Esmerelda to dinner and the opera, Boss took her to a luxury hotel. She hung onto his arm like a baby chimpanzee on the way up to their room, and it took all of Boss's willpower to not pull away from her. He excused himself to the bathroom, took a small, brown bottle from his pocket, and swallowed one of the experimental pills.

  He waited for a few minutes for the drug to take effect. To kill some time, he flushed the toilet a couple of times and turned on the sink faucet and let the water run down the drain. Still nothing was happening. Esmerelda knocked on the bathroom door and asked if anything was wrong.

  Boss replied, "I'll be out in a minute. Everything's fine."

  On the verge of panicking, he decided that the first pill wasn't strong enough, and so, he took a second pill.... The effect was almost instantaneous.

  Upon opening the bathroom door, Boss saw the hottest female on the planet. He took her in his arms and kissed her deeply until she was pulling away, trying to catch her breath. Esmerelda's skin felt impossibly smooth and warm. Her scent was sweeter than a thousand fields of roses in full bloom. Her every movement brought floods of desire to Boss's manhood.

  He saw Esmerelda's inner beauty, only it was now on the outside. Boss couldn't get enough of her essence. He had to taste every inch of her body, the fine hairs on her neck, the inside of her bellybutton, even the skin in-between her toes. Esmerelda's body was on seductive fire, and he had to quench that fire with his mouth.

  After making love for hours, Boss lay on the bed with his arms spread wide and his lower body in the fetal position. He was on top of bedding soaked with sweat and body fluids, but he didn't have the enough strength to roll over.

  Esmerelda lay beside him, soaked with sweat like she'd just stepped out of a steamy shower. Her face had a goofy looking smile on it that wouldn't go away. She thought, "I

  was beginning to have my doubts about whether Boss found me sexually attractive. But after that, I'm worried he might find me too attractive.... He's insane for my body.

  Who licks the underarms of a woman for ten solid minutes? I'm pretty sure underarm deodorant isn't supposed to be ingested like that.... This guy might be more than I can handle."

  While Esmerelda was still feeling the effects of her partner's ecstasy induced lovemaking, the drug concoction was releasing its hold of Boss. He thought, "What the hell just happened?"

  The next day, Boss called an emergency meeting with his dope crew in their private laboratory. The hippie doctor and the pothead chemist listened intently as Boss recalled the previous night in great detail. Afterwards, he asked their opinion.

  Hippie and pothead looked at each other, wondering which one of them would have the guts to tell their boss that he was a moron. Finally, Doctor Elway spoke up.

  "Why did you take two pills?"

  "I already told you. One pill wasn't working, so I had to take two."

  "... Ah, no, you didn't," said the doctor in his most soothing voice.

  "Yeah," spoke up the chemist. "I was over at the Doc's yesterday, and he's got this old lady neighbor who runs a goat farm. And... well,"

  "Don't act shy now," said Doctor Elway to his friend. "You took one of those pills and liked to shagged that poor, ugly lady to death."

  "Hey, she was up for it!" exclaimed the chemist.

  "Of course, she was up for it," said the doctor. "She hadn't gotten any since the Eisenhower Administratio
n."

  "Wait," ordered Boss. "Why didn't the first pill work for me?"

  "It did," said the chemist. "You ain't gonna get a boner in the bathroom unless you got a dirty magazine in there. You have to have some sort of stimulation.... Just like an animal, you need ta' see and smell the female to get your willie up."

  "Well, let me ask you this," said Boss. "When you fornicated with the goat lady, did she look good to you?"

  "Hell, no!" said the chemist. "I just wanted to try out your ugly woman pills, and she just happened to be there and willing. She was butt ugly, and old as shit, but that don't mean the pushing didn't feel good."

  "When I took two pills, Esmerelda turned into the prettiest woman in the world."

  "No, Boss," said the hippie doctor. "What you did was overdose like a junkie. And as a doctor, I have to warn you that taking too many of those pills at once will eat holes in your brain, just like a crack whore."

  "Sheeeeeeit," cursed Boss. "So I'm going to have to do the warthog, while seeing that she looks like a warthog?"

  "Well, you could always close your eyes. But unless you want your brain to burn out, then... yes."

  "I don't see what the big deal is," stated the chemist as he walked over to Boss and put his arm around him. "Sex is fun. The worst sex that I ever had, was pretty damn good."

  "Yeah," Boss said as he moved away from the touchy chemist. "But you haven't ever licked Esmerelda's feet, either. Try doing that and then say, any sex is better than no sex."

  "Dude!" yelled the chemist. "Why the hell, did you do that?"

  "Haven't you been listening? I was high as a kite. Now, she's going to expect me to do all sorts of things to her, the next time we have sex. And the next time we do it, I'll have to be sober, well soberish."

  "Damn, sucks to be you," said the chemist. Both Boss and Doctor Elway looked at him in an accusing way. Then he said, "Sorry, didn't mean any disrespect.... But, damn!"

  Chapter 15

  On Boss and Esmerelda's next date, she expected the same fevered lovemaking session from Boss. Under the power of a single pill, Boss was able to give another award winning performance. But this time, he was inwardly disgusted with what he had to do, and by the end of the night, he felt like a used-up, roadside whore.